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Subject:So i can't say this on my myspace. so i will say it here.
Time:11:00 pm
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! how did i get myself into this mess? fuck.
she lives in chicago. i can't feel this intensly for her. i just fuckin can't.
and yet i do.
i fucking miss you, Jena. i really fuckin do.

every single day i speak you to and its just not fuckin enough.
i see your picture, think about the spots on you my fingertips used to love to kiss, see your smile, the twinkle in your eyes and i want to be there.
even if just for a moment, long enough to kiss you and then leave again.
i just want to be in a position where i can give my heart in full to you and yours to me.
i just want to be where you are. i want to stop missing you.
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Time:03:07 pm
This song fits for right now...

Hmm, he-he
Oh, hey
Doesn't matter (It doesn't matter)
Doesn't matter at all

Doesn't matter what your friends are telling you
Doesn't matter what my family's saying too
It just matters that I'm in love with you
It only matters that you love me too

It doesn't matter if they won't accept you
I'm accepting of you and the things you do
Just as long as it's you
Nobody but you, baby, baby

My love for you, unconditional love too
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that it¡­

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

(You're so kind)
Just what I asked for, you're so loving and kind
(And you're mine)
And I can't believe you're mine

Doesn't matter if you're feeling insecure
Doesn't matter if you're feeling so unsure
Cause I'll take away the doubt within your heart
And show that my love will never hurt or harm

Doesn't matter what the pain we go through
Doesn't matter if the money's gone too
Just as long as I'm with you
Nobody but you, baby, baby

You're love for me, unconditional I see
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that it¡­

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

(You're so kind)
Just what I asked for, you're so loving and kind
(And you're mine)
And I can't believe you're mine

Doesn't matter what they say
Cause you know I'm gonna love you anyway
Doesn't matter what they do
Cause my love will always be with you

My love for you unconditional love too
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that
My love is true, and it's just for you, uh

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you love me to
And nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
(He-he)
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me
Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
(I'm always doing that!)
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me
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Current Music:I have Shake It Off stuck in my head
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Time:09:49 am
Current Mood:amusedamused
as most of you guys know things were kinda blah for me last night, i felt feelign very depressed. then she calls me at near midnight and is like are you busy? i always say no. then she asks for me to come over. i'm like SHIT because i know she was havign a bad day. so i get in my car and don't drive any less then 50 mph the entire way there. i get there, she takes my hand and tells me to close my eyes. i do. she leads me into the room when i open them i see the room sprayed with many different candles, insense in burning. i was like awwww! so she got the sweet girlfriend award last night. it was awesome.

i was really happy though last night because after i phucked up on the Planned Parenthood thing i have been avoiding Ome and Carmen. which sucks because i love them very much and always wish they were in my life more. and i finally saw Ome and she was completely cool about it. which shows how amazing she is because she had every right to kick the living shit out of me.

though we all did get humiliated up the ass because of them.

we were playing move your ass (its a game, someone stands in the center and is like move your ass if you've ever eatten sushi or somethign and everyone who has needs to find a new seat) and of course my beautiful beautiful beautiful Wonder Woman, who knowns one to many of my deep dark secrets said, everyone move your ass if you have or have ever had a crush on ome or carmen. LOL it was so funny tho because all but like the new girls moved and Ome just burried her head in her lap and was like NO NO NO! but Carmen just saw there smiling. and of course i get suck in the middle for that one...that was nice.
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Time:11:46 pm
Why dont' parents ever see they have a good kid?

i dunno what is up but they have been really cool, really lax, i wasn't messing up and so they were happy. i could pretty much go out whenever, stay out till whatever as long as it was curtious. but as of late they are back tracking. one my mom is always pissed anyway and yelling, but now they are treating mew like a bad kid again.

for example. tonight after i met up with some friends i was gonna go to a party so i gave my mom all the information with the promise to be back early and she was like is there gonna be drinking there.

this is her new thing. she knows if i do drink its where i am safe and i don't get drunk. but over all i don't drink. and my hunnie doesn't, so i don't anyway. so previously she has trusted me.completely as a matter of fact. but recently she has changed her mind and hasn't. tonight was the second party in the last little bit that she hasn't let me go to because other people will be drinking there. and then lectured me for 15 minutes about drinking. now if i went out and got thrashed and did something bad or something then i would understand this but i have done nothign to suddenly not be trusted.

also, tonight she acutally told me, you're 18 you don't need to be out all night and made me come home.

my father has resumed askign me things like don't you think your staying up too late, shouldn't you be in bed now? and sorts.

i dont' get what changed. i haven't done anything. i'm not a bad kid. the only thing i can be blamed for is going to out too much, and thats usually simply to be with Wonder Woman.

even now, she's lecturing to my back as i write this. le sigh.

she lectures me for hours on end about things i either don't do or about things that are completely random and arn't my fault.

she's always pissed.

my dad treats me like i'm 5.

this shit gets old quick.
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Time:01:51 pm
so i heard a new song yesterday on one of the new CD's, Living In Clip. Actually i heard many new songs form the various CD's i got. right now my favorites are Willing to Fight from Living In Clip, Hide and Seek from Living In Clip, and Subdivision from Revilling and Reckonging. But i'm gonna give you only two of the songs. take the time to read the lyrics, they are amazing.

"white people are so scared of black people
they bulldoze out to the country
and put up houses on little loop-dee-loop streets
and while america gets its heart cut right out of its chest
the berlin wall still runs down main street
separating east side from west
and nothing is stirring, not even a mouse
in the boarded-up stores and the broken-down houses
so they hang colorful banners off all the street lamps
just to prove they got no manners
no mercy and no sense

and i'm wondering what it will take
for my city to rise
first we admit our mistakes
then we open our eyes
the ghosts of old buildings are haunting parking lots
in the city of good neighbors that history forgot

i remember the first time i saw someone
lying on the cold street
i thought: i can't just walk past here
this can't just be true
but i learned by example
to just keep moving my feet
it's amazing the things that we all learn to do

so we're led by denial like lambs to the slaughter
serving empires of style and carbonated sugar water
and the old farm road's a four-lane that leads to the mall
and our dreams are all guillotines waiting to fall

i'm wondering what it will take
for my country to rise
first we admit our mistakes
and then we open our eyes
or nature succumbs to one last dumb decision
and america the beautiful
is just one big subdivision"


i love this song in its whole but my favorite line is definatly: and the old farm road's a four-lane that leads to the mall and our dreams are all guillotines waiting to fall.

but Hide and Seek. oh man, my mom heard it, put it on repeat, and listened to it and cried for almost an hour. it is intence.

"me and all the kids from the neighbourhood
we play out in the street all summer long
rule was we had to go home at nite when the street lights came on

we were oblivious to the rest of the world
we hold up the cars in the street
we always played boys against girls
and both sides would cheat

strange men would stop their cars at the curb
say "hey sweetheart, come here"
and i would go up to the window
and they would have their dick out in there hands
and a sick little sneer

i'd say "here we go again
yeah, this time you win"
i would feel dirty; i would feel ashamed
but i wouldn't let it stop my game

we would play hide and go seek
territory would be the whole block
sometimes the older boys when they find you
they wouldn't want to tag you
they just want to talk
they say "what would you do for a quarter?
come on, we don't have that much time"
i'd think for a minute and i'd say
"ok, give me the quarter first. fine"

this time you win
here we go again
and i would feel dirty and i would feel ashamed
but i wouldn't let it stop my game

i remember my first trip alone on the greyhound bus
a man who put his hands on me as soon as nite fell
i remember when i was leaving how excited i was
i remember when i arrived i didn't feel so well
i remember the teachers who got me so sick
scared, i went into the bathroom and i threw up in my hair
i could go on but you know what it just gets worse
so i should probably stop there.

girl, next time he wants to know what your problem is
girl, next time he wants to know where the anger comes from
just tell him this time the problem is his
just tell him the anger just comes
it just comes"


last night was another amazing night with Wonder Woman. we stayed up till 5 am. i dont' even remember everything we did. i remember we hung out for a while in the living room while i put my scrapbook together, watched like 30 minutes of a movie then she cleaned up her room, and suprised me with candles, incense and an amazing Ani cd. then after that we watched a movie, then she got tired and since the last movie was scary we put on a funny one which we ended up finishing. then Katia's brother called, mind i have never actually met Duran and it was 4 am. we talked for a half an hour then Wonder Woman and i took a bath and then went to sleep. one of those amazing nights.
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Time:01:37 pm
I guess i get that i'm different. i mean in my top 8 is a drag queen, two gay boi's, 4 lesbians and a nude photographer.

Only because i doubt i will ever hear from this chic again will i write so frankly.

I recently found an old friend from the LDS church, and this was one of the really cool ones. i always felt decently close to her and have missed her a number of times since i stopped going to church. she was always kinda seen as one of the rebels too and my mother and i always saw her as quite open minded. which she was.

but i guess that was my mistake. i sent her a message saying hey its me, check out my site and see if you wanna add me as friends or not. i just went through her site and friends and wow, i found all my mormons i was raised with. i'm not ususally that stupid. I found Tera, Stacy, Tyson, Kammy, Kelly, and then some. it was a total mental mind fuck. and now i'm kinda pissed. fucking mormons.

this reminds me why i dont' fit in.

i hated these people. and they hated me.

i only miss a number of people. two or three. Jessica, whom i guess i will now have to let go of now, Auriel and Kelly. too bad for me. or rather, too bad for them.

And even better, i sent Jessica that message a couple of days ago. she has been on since then. she didn't add me.
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Time:12:44 pm
"How can you know if shes "the one" or not if you don't persue the relationship to its maximum potential? I understand that there are difficulties with moving in, but you can't really expect it to be easy when 2 seperate and different lives meld together. The only way that things can grow is by changing. It may be difficult, but if you are really willing to persue a relationship with this woman then you will take the plunge."

man Jack you always know what to say. love you too, chica.
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Time:10:01 pm
This is what i want. I know it is.

I want to move in with Crystal more than anything right now, and it was brought up a while back, then put back on the back burner and now its up again. and its not a bad thing, please people don't get me wrong. i'm just scared.

she was just here. Its funny but every time she leaves now it feels wrong. like it shouldn't be happening. like i should be going with her, not staying at this odd house with these other people, its relaxation time now; time to kick back and shower, watch a movie, pick my things up, so i should be going home with her now.

We've only been dating a little over half a year. is this inmature of me? am i simply saturating myself too deeply into one woman or is this really just meant to be?

last night on our walk we were talking about what i forget and i started to ask her basically, well, when you get back next year are we, btu thats as far as i got. i am doing my best not to add pressure. i dont' want things to deteriorate like they did before. i live in constant fear that it will. but she egged me on. i was like naw, never mind, i dont' wanna ask that. she told me she wanted me to ask that. so i did. she said yes. then we discussed the idea of me moving into her fathers while she was gone. and i told her that i wanted to live with her for a while before she went and that if she were to honestly ask me to move out and into her house, i would.

here are my only problems.

1) i am afraid living with me will remind her of why things fell apart before.

2) her dad wouldnt' like it.

3) mom would be upset.

4) she would have to provide for me until i started working.

i dunno.

advice. i need advice. lots of it.
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Time:08:17 pm

okay so today started out really shitty but then Wonder Woman showed up and this is what she gave me for our 6th

 

god i'm so lucky

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Time:11:36 am
Rent was indeed moving. That was an obvious.

But it was interesting the effect it had on all of us. Wonder Woman, it didn't seem to effect, as much, but know it did stur up some issues. Me, it bothered a lot, i started to see all of those characters as us, i started thinking about all of us going through these things and then myself being put into Collins possition and Wonder Woman being Angel. Thats about when i started to sob into her shoulder. but my mom is who it mess with the most. my mom was in San Fransisco when the first AIDS wave hit. she sat and watched all her friends begin to die from an unknown sorce, and then for them to find out what it was but not know how they are getting it so more died, and then to finally realize how they were getting it. by the time that whole proccess was done my mom out of about 50 people she knew from work and her social friends had lost all but 2. thats not a joke, thats not an exageration. the scenes with Collins and Angel in the hospital and on the subway made my mom just sob, and as soon as the movie was done she ran out of the theatre sobing. when we found her again she explained to us that it had all looked so familure and she wasn't prepared for it. she cried off and on the rest of the night.

I want to see it again, who wants to go with me?
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[icon] My Alias is Liv
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